


Promise To Let Me Go

by Nevanna



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Missing Scene, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27376402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevanna/pseuds/Nevanna
Summary: On their way to Martin's domain, he and Jon discuss devastating possibilities.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 12
Kudos: 72





	Promise To Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to alliedwolves for beta-reading this piece even though there aren't any vampires in it, and to everyone on Discord who cheered me on as I was writing it.
> 
> The title is from the song "Deep As You Go" by the October Project.

Jon is used to sharing silences with Martin. In the Archives, he’d been grateful for any day that they could work in close proximity without grinding each other’s nerves. In some of his happiest memories from their weeks in Daisy’s safehouse (his happiest memories from the last few years, in fact), they spent several evenings on the sofa, never out of arm’s reach, and the only sounds were the turning of pages, the crackling of the fire, and the occasional hum or sigh or scoff from Martin as he scribbled in his poetry journal.

The atmosphere on their journey through the ruined world has been far from cozy, but Martin’s quiet presence steadies Jon all the same… even in the moments when it weighs between them, waiting to be filled.

Jon voices the offer as carefully as he can: “Your domain isn’t the closest, but if there’s anything else that you need to know before we reach it, I’ll do my best to prepare you.” Martin glares, drops Jon’s hand, and shoves both of his own hands into his pockets. “I promise that I wasn’t looking,” Jon adds hastily. “It’s not as if _you_ need eldritch psychic powers to know when _I’m_ … ‘brooding like a dissatisfied owl,’ were your words, I believe?”

Martin huffs. “And you’d best believe that I stand by them.” But his voice is distant, and Jon finds himself glancing at their feet to check for tendrils of fog. “Jon, what if you hadn’t found me in the Lonely? Or it took you so long to reach me that I became… you know… like Peter? Cold and cruel and willing to sacrifice anyone -- _everyone_ \-- to our god? What would you have done if _that_ was waiting for you?”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t have been in any position to _judge_ you,” Jon points out.

“But would you have brought me back out, knowing what I’d do to the people around me, or would you have…” Martin trails off. “I didn’t think any avatar would want what Breekon did, but now that I know what I _am_ doing to people, just by _existing_ in this world…”

A spike of dread pierces what has almost become a background hum of terror to Jon’s awareness. He stops in his tracks. “Martin, are you trying to tell me that…” Before the Ceaseless Watcher can tell him what he wants, what he _needs,_ to know, he makes himself finish the question. “That you want to die?”

Martin’s shoulders slump, and, to Jon’s infinite relief, he shakes his head. “Not any-- not right now.” He lets Jon take his hand again. “But I’m not sure how long I’d want to live like _that_. Like one of the monsters, like...”

He doesn’t look away when Jon quietly supplies, “Like me.” Martin is just starting to grapple with questions and thoughts that he himself was forced to confront long before the world ended (and certainly afterward). Jon recalls the creature of icy wind and relentless undertow that Martin became in his first dreams after the Change, a pitiless force that destroyed all living things from the inside, as his sleeping body shivered in Jon’s arms. When Martin finally woke up, after Jon wasn’t sure that he ever _would_ , he claimed not to remember his nightmares. Now, Jon wonders if that was actually true.

Either way, he understands Martin’s wish more than he can say.

“Or, maybe _not_ like you,” Martin counters. “You said it felt _right_ , to Watch everybody’s fear. But you also knew -- most of the time -- that it _shouldn’t_ feel right. And Jordan knew it wasn't right, when we last saw him. But. What if my domain changes me so much that I forget that, and I’m not strong enough to stop it from happening?” His free hand curls into a fist. “What if it’s _supposed_ to happen, and I was just delaying the inevitable, like Daisy, this whole time?”

“Are you asking me to do for you, what Basira did for Daisy?” Jon takes Martin’s other hand. “Or what I did for Breekon?” He tries -- oh, how he tries -- to keep the static from his voice.

Martin glances down, then meets his eyes. “If I’m hurting people, and I don’t know who you are, or who _I_ am, and there’s no other way to make me stop…” The words rush out of him. “Then, yes, I think that’s what I’d want.”

“Martin, you’re aware that granting…” Jon makes himself say the words. “ _Killing_ you wouldn’t save anyone, including the people in--”

“I know,” Martin interrupts. “Don’t try to make me feel worse about it.”

“That’s not my intention,” Jon assures him. “If there were no other way to end your suffering, then I’d do what I could to help you.” He releases Martin’s hands, but then reaches up to cradle his face. “But I also want you to remember that you followed me out of the Lonely when I called for you. And even when we were separated, you managed to pull _yourself_ out. I _know_ how strong you are, even when you’re not sure.”

Martin huffs. “You _know_ everything.”

“The Eye didn’t have to tell me that one,” Jon said firmly. He hasn’t cried since the Change, isn’t even sure whether he still _can_ , but nothing, not even the knowledge of the whole world’’s horror, has made him _want_ to. Not until this moment. “I couldn’t go… I’d try my best, but I’m not sure whether I’d be able to finish our journey without you.”

Martin’s lips flicker into something close to a smile. “I do want to keep it together long enough to see you smite Jonah right in his smug face.”

Jon doubts that achieving their ultimate goal will be so simple, but he just adds, “And look up at a proper sky again.”

“And eat ice cream, and complain about the Underground, and kiss you…” Martin touches Jon’s lips with his own. “...in peace. Preferably in front of a nice fire.”

“I’d like that, too,” Jon says, and means it, even if he can’t promise anything like it. He kisses Martin back. “But we won’t get there unless we keep moving.”


End file.
